My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
