Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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