There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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