Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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