Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my phone needs a breathalizer
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
