yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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