I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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