five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
