i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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