I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
