Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
