I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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