Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
