I faked an abortion last night.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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