Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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