Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
