hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
