Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
