i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize