: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
