when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
