Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
