If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
