"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
