why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
