yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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