you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
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