Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
