i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
