you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
