Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
