she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
