You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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