Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
