I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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