I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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