your parents love me but you hate me
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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