i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
