so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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