the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
