Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
