i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
