So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
