listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize