I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
