I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
