ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
