How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
