I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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