I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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