Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
