she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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