did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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