he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
