HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize